Tuesday, April 01, 2008

jabber

i am a labeled feminist and i am considered opinionated. apparently, i am judgmental as well. recently, i have added another beautiful word to my list, i am 'asexual' now, not attracted to men or women. i feel horrible. who am i trying to fool?

this is by far my most personal post. i am nothing like this.

i am a little girl still stuck in that moment of love that was three years ago. i am not at all strong. and - i really care about what people think of me. it matters! i am not in love, i am long over that. but, that intense an emotion cannot be replayed! it cannot. how much love can you give? i gave my all already. i felt the same way as a 16-year old and today as a 19-year old, i feel the same way. my growth is stunted. i am living in a horrible pathetic stagnation of love that was!

why am i curbing my own growth?

but can you love again and again? it's tough right? it's supposed to be unconditional and seriously intense. you cannot keep getting to that snip snap! or can you?
i am a hopeless romantic. and in all honesty, all i need is love. love from the ones i love and the ONE i love. now that ONE cannot love me. he has better things to do in life.

that stop of growth has made me so type-casted. i am a free-spirited person you know. i like to be liberated. but now - i am stuck in less-arty-more-farty conventionalism than ever before.

ask me? ego? i don't have that much of an ego. i really don't. ask me to surrender, after little loving, i will!

i just use 'ego problem' as an offense to counter those awkward moments. and offense is best defense. you must think i am such a farce.
didn't you figure already? my hitches, qualms and revelations come out very often.
rage and whine has become an inevitable part of my life. i cannot tolerate people like me at all. by people like me i mean the weak minded people who cannot get over their past. why? because you tend to hate what you dread the most yourself. so i yell at them. i owe those people an apology. because according to my head - i am yelling at them for being me!

is it that important to have companionship? well yes! it is.. bloody hell yeah! how can you live like a lone bird. but i HAVE to. because i really can't love again. i don't think so.

it's something so far away but no this girl is little and stupid. she cannot think of the beyond.
today that horrible cornered woman in my room was telling me about someone from her life who faces similar problems. i felt like i had a soul mate for a bit. because i really feel his sorrows. i wish i could reach out to him and help him. those initial months after the break-up, you really determine in your head, the way things are going to be. if you don't change it quickly, it lingers, it changes you. and the change is NOT for the better. i just want to go up north and change things for the him from my cornered woman's life. i have no idea why i feel so miserable for that stranger-almost. hot tears roll down my face as i write. i think of those horrible days.
why is it so difficult to let go? i still haven't let go! i can't let go. i have let you go. but i can't let go.

i miss the presence. just presence even if it was pretense.


now that ONE particular he thinks i need psychological help to get over this whole love. i don't think so. because it is not like i don't do other work. i am busy now. and i am not obsessed. this only came to my head as a result of some conversation with that cornered woman. by the way - i like chivalry and romance and being protected most of the times!

please tell me if i can love again? because i want too yaa.. really.. if i am not lovable - i know - i can love a lot for sure.


and i really don't want shady love.

why isn't love reciprocated? why doesn't love always have happy endings? why does thought process interfere with love? why does dogma come in between? why does love sway with attraction? why does something so perfect come to such a sad end?

(what bad luck it is that things have come to such a sad end. i hate that robber tajumaro or whatever his name is - lines from my play)

i think i should shut up now. it's a lot of jabber. enough.

i am back to being the opinionated and feminist cliche. and oh yeah asexual again! i love this avataar. it is kickass.

end of story?
there's no glory?

alright - judge me. call me hypocrite! i told you i suck from the very beginning. and this is not self pity.

PS1: i get more than enough love and attention from my friends and family. i think i can live on my own, unloved!

PS2: the middler liver thinks it ll be horrible if i leave. i think so too. how to tell her that? i will talk to her dad tomorrow. i really will. i love her a lot, i don't even know why. this is sisterly love of course!

PS3: play station 3!

PS4: do you want more?

PS5: i am gonna take a dive.

PS6: i like to play with sticks. i am so messed in the head.

PS7: another he told me to give comments on some question he posed. here goes...

his question:

feminism

Purely academically:

Is feminism a product of insecurity & an innate inferiority complex?

.
.

End post.


my reply:

lets' define one thing first.. feminism.. what is feminism? it is when women demand equality of opportunity and rights.. when i say feminism - i don't mean - give us a dabba in the local train - seat in the parliament or punish only the men in case of adultery. feminism is - look at us normally - change ur perspective! we are no mere objects of desire. we are human beings. we have flaws and faults like u do!
and as far as insecurities go.. even the 'man' you talk of hasn't evolved over these many trivial insecurities. tell a man - stay equal - he will not accept? why? because he has an ego and he needs that status? he needs to feel happy bout the fact that he dominates. he is insecure bout the fact that - what if - she succeeds! and then u say.. man has evolved.
evolution that many a text books talk off, is more of a characteristic evolution and not an evolution of character!
that so-called inferiority complex is a better quality than what men have.. as in, men are too shy of their own emotion.. they cannot face it.. who's the weaker one then? at least, we cry - shout - scream - and get it done with!
so basically yeah..
i dunno if i made any sense!
###

so basically i am not all a farce! ;)

11 comments:

Sonali Sen said...

That moment will stay. It is here to stay. Time will help. How much time? depends on how fast you allow yourself to let go. It's not easy because that moment is one of the most defining ones and perfect ones so why would i want to let it go. Even if it hurts it is a good part of life.
The trick is to bury it and know that nobody can take it away from you. So if you really need it you can always turn to that moment but for now at least try to experiment with other moments.
And if I can leave with you then i will again make you sleep in the middle with Kim and me pushing you. Seriously.

apurva said...

mera bachcha!
i know what you say, i wish i could say something that made a little sense but i know you too well to know nothing changes nothing!
i think we're all little girls stuck in our own moments of love. you know i am.
and i don't believe you've run out of your share of love. it's a universal pool, and you can take as much as you like, if you can give. no?
but yes it's true, we love you very much. you're just a spoilt little kid aren't you? =D

p.s- i won't comment on the feminism. you know how i feel about that. bandar!

Ajinkya D. said...

.. it took me 2 minutes and 3 backspaces even BEFORE I could begin this comment.
Pardon me if I differ on this, but I dont believe that one may only love ONE. love only ONCE.

I did the math for you...

Say, in your life you personally meet One lakh guys (thats a huge number, not possible, but jst assume). And you fall in love.
You have in effect met 0.00153846% of the world population of 6.5 billion. Isn't it strange that you should find that ONE in the 0.00153846% of the world populace?
You say it is true love. I call it love. Period. Not attachments/prefixes like 'true', 'only', 'last', etc...
Love lost isn't lost forever.
You can love a second time. And a third time. And a fourth...
Only that it'll take longer EVERY TIME. I know it does.
You are taking a long time NOT to 'get over' your love. (I find that word sickening. One can never 'get over'). You are only taking time to relove. May be you havnt another person who you can love.

They say time heals all wounds. It doesn't. Time is over-glorified and its celebrity is amplified. It only blunts the memory. Thats it. And we take it to be a balm. You are a human. Your memory will blunt. The pain will be internalized.
Tagore once said something to the effect: "We cling on to a hope with all our might, only for it to escape, ripping up our veins & sinew. We are left dazed. We recuperate. And search for another hope to cling to."

This was a line at the end of a story called "The Postmaster", if Im not wrong.

PS: [Not PlayStation ;-)].. Sorry for giving such an unromantic account of the situation. This view has helped me. Worry not. Things happen. God moves in strange ways.

Ajinkya D. said...

there is a lot to say. a lot more.
Isn't it funny that all those who find their "true love" find it in the class they attended or that party they went to or the online social networking site they visited.
If love was true and followed the rule of Unity (just one), then wouldn't it take a LOT more searching to chance upon that ONE among ALL???

Im not being cynical. Only realistic. Even the word 'real' is so far fetched.. we think there is no connection between love n reality. We assume absolute bliss. We have all such distorted beliefs about love. Im still unlearning many a thing. Its a bittersweet process. It takes a lot of shedding of previous 'notions' that were nestled with such care in the hope of one day being realised.

Shatter them. It'll help.

Ajinkya D. said...

btw, Sumedha taai told me to tell you that in some of your posts, the font size is just too small & hence, oldies like herself can't read it. So, she says that you should follow the font that you used in the beginning of this post.

Amen.

Ajinkya said...

Whats with the SUPER HUGE font size? I know I said it was a lil too small... pan hey kaay?!!

n btw, wen's the next post coming?

shafeeq sha said...

keep the conversation shorter.....

sofullofcrap said...

Interesting to say the least... my vocab will without a doubt fall short of the perceived greatness of the things you wrote ...

The answers to your questions...

As for the stunted growth .. maybe its inherited

Can u love again??? I don't know...

Is calling yourself asexual a valid reason to stay away from a relationship?? NO!!!

Will you ever stop loving the ONE ??? I don't think so ... I tend to believe that every time you love some one you give them a piece of your heart ... sometimes we give away chunks ...sometime minuscule morsels not worth the mention but nevertheless we do ... I have a heart riddled with holes big and small and i know that i will always love the ones i loved no matter what they do or what they say .. the love remains.

As for the self proclaimed feminist I love you for it as long as you don't get lost in awesomeness of calling yourself one ... Feminists as such are a weird bunch ... they crib ... we all crib but then there comes a point when you stop cribbing and start doing .. I really hope you are a doer ...

journister said...

well, i guess i know this girl a little too much to say she is not made for love, rather believe that she is one of those people who are trying to develop a hard shell around them to abstain from falling into that viscious bog of emotions again. ami, break that shell and give yourself and the world another chance, its worth it. and i am there no, as an alternative!!!
if u didnt realize, this is in response to jabber

Kenney Jacob said...

We all have this belief that love is a necessity. Its good be loved by everyone, and be special to someone, but its not a mandatory thing. We can manage without that. Be independent and people will start loving you.....

This is my world... said...

ok firstly.. falling in love is not a switch, wherein you can decide the outcome within a matter of a micro second and I feel that people who havent gone through what u have dont have any right to comment or answer any of ur questions right now and neither will I, cuz life is huge and we learn a lot every second and no mathematical calculation can solve this ! so all i can say is follow ur heart and do what u think is right and dont THINK abt it ! cheers!