i am a labeled feminist and i am considered opinionated. apparently, i am judgmental as well. recently, i have added another beautiful word to my list, i am 'asexual' now, not attracted to men or women. i feel horrible. who am i trying to fool?
this is by far my most personal post. i am nothing like this.
i am a little girl still stuck in that moment of love that was three years ago. i am not at all strong. and - i really care about what people think of me. it matters! i am not in love, i am long over that. but, that intense an emotion cannot be replayed! it cannot. how much love can you give? i gave my all already. i felt the same way as a 16-year old and today as a 19-year old, i feel the same way. my growth is stunted. i am living in a horrible pathetic stagnation of love that was!
why am i curbing my own growth?
but can you love again and again? it's tough right? it's supposed to be unconditional and seriously intense. you cannot keep getting to that snip snap! or can you?
i am a hopeless romantic. and in all honesty, all i need is love. love from the ones i love and the ONE i love. now that ONE cannot love me. he has better things to do in life.
that stop of growth has made me so type-casted. i am a free-spirited person you know. i like to be liberated. but now - i am stuck in less-arty-more-farty conventionalism than ever before.
ask me? ego? i don't have that much of an ego. i really don't. ask me to surrender, after little loving, i will!
i just use 'ego problem' as an offense to counter those awkward moments. and offense is best defense. you must think i am such a farce.
didn't you figure already? my hitches, qualms and revelations come out very often.
rage and whine has become an inevitable part of my life. i cannot tolerate people like me at all. by people like me i mean the weak minded people who cannot get over their past. why? because you tend to hate what you dread the most yourself. so i yell at them. i owe those people an apology. because according to my head - i am yelling at them for being me!
is it that important to have companionship? well yes! it is.. bloody hell yeah! how can you live like a lone bird. but i HAVE to. because i really can't love again. i don't think so.
it's something so far away but no this girl is little and stupid. she cannot think of the beyond.
today that horrible cornered woman in my room was telling me about someone from her life who faces similar problems. i felt like i had a soul mate for a bit. because i really feel his sorrows. i wish i could reach out to him and help him. those initial months after the break-up, you really determine in your head, the way things are going to be. if you don't change it quickly, it lingers, it changes you. and the change is NOT for the better. i just want to go up north and change things for the him from my cornered woman's life. i have no idea why i feel so miserable for that stranger-almost. hot tears roll down my face as i write. i think of those horrible days.
why is it so difficult to let go? i still haven't let go! i can't let go. i have let you go. but i can't let go.
i miss the presence. just presence even if it was pretense.
now that ONE particular he thinks i need psychological help to get over this whole love. i don't think so. because it is not like i don't do other work. i am busy now. and i am not obsessed. this only came to my head as a result of some conversation with that cornered woman. by the way - i like chivalry and romance and being protected most of the times!
please tell me if i can love again? because i want too yaa.. really.. if i am not lovable - i know - i can love a lot for sure.
and i really don't want shady love.
why isn't love reciprocated? why doesn't love always have happy endings? why does thought process interfere with love? why does dogma come in between? why does love sway with attraction? why does something so perfect come to such a sad end?
(what bad luck it is that things have come to such a sad end. i hate that robber tajumaro or whatever his name is - lines from my play)
i think i should shut up now. it's a lot of jabber. enough.
i am back to being the opinionated and feminist cliche. and oh yeah asexual again! i love this avataar. it is kickass.
end of story?
there's no glory?
alright - judge me. call me hypocrite! i told you i suck from the very beginning. and this is not self pity.
PS1: i get more than enough love and attention from my friends and family. i think i can live on my own, unloved!
PS2: the middler liver thinks it ll be horrible if i leave. i think so too. how to tell her that? i will talk to her dad tomorrow. i really will. i love her a lot, i don't even know why. this is sisterly love of course!
PS3: play station 3!
PS4: do you want more?
PS5: i am gonna take a dive.
PS6: i like to play with sticks. i am so messed in the head.
PS7: another he told me to give comments on some question he posed. here goes...
Is feminism a product of insecurity & an innate inferiority complex?
lets' define one thing first.. feminism.. what is feminism? it is when women demand equality of opportunity and rights.. when i say feminism - i don't mean - give us a dabba in the local train - seat in the parliament or punish only the men in case of adultery. feminism is - look at us normally - change ur perspective! we are no mere objects of desire. we are human beings. we have flaws and faults like u do!
and as far as insecurities go.. even the 'man' you talk of hasn't evolved over these many trivial insecurities. tell a man - stay equal - he will not accept? why? because he has an ego and he needs that status? he needs to feel happy bout the fact that he dominates. he is insecure bout the fact that - what if - she succeeds! and then u say.. man has evolved.
evolution that many a text books talk off, is more of a characteristic evolution and not an evolution of character!
that so-called inferiority complex is a better quality than what men have.. as in, men are too shy of their own emotion.. they cannot face it.. who's the weaker one then? at least, we cry - shout - scream - and get it done with!
so basically yeah..
i dunno if i made any sense!
so basically i am not all a farce! ;)